Harder times

“Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive.” – Matt Cameron

Man! I haven’t posted on my blog in a long time…. We do need to catch back up, don’t we??? By the title of my post, you can go on and guess I’m not catching up with you guys right now, because things have been good, but not great.

Beware! Negative sounding post, coming up!

Here lately, I find myself being a little unhappy with how things in my life are going. It’s like things in my life are at a stand still and I do the same things over and over again. It’s hard to do things differently when you work 8:30 – 5:30, Monday through Friday, every single week. It’s like I skipped a big part of my life by not going to college. It feels like I have so much adrenaline built up in me, and I want to go do things people my age do but I’m always so tired when I get off work and I have to get up early the next day to go to work! I don’t complain too much about it because it’s what I wanted to do…. But I’m 21, about to be 22, and I feel like I need to live that out. I try not to look at other people and say that I wish I could have been like them, but I do. I do look at some people I went to school with and wish I were like them. I wish I were prettier, smarter, and more social. But you know…. I am who I am and that’ll never change and I’m totally fine with that. I accept things that happen to me because I look at it all as a great lesson in life.

I’m a little bit unhappy with where I work at…. I’m trying really hard to move up in the firm I work at but the process is taking forever and I’m getting more and more frustrated and impatient. The saying “Good things happen to those who wait” is what is keeping me from not giving up on it. As a matter of fact, it keeps my from not giving up on multiple things.

Some of you may know that I do have a photography business, which I started almost a year ago. Well, it’s not as I expected. It’s hard to start a business and I know it takes time to get started with it, so I need to be patient. But, as you imagine, I’m getting impatient with that as well. I know people that just started and are having photo sessions every single day….. I, on the other hand, have only done two real photoshoots and all of it went very well and we had a great time, but all the others were just for fun with my friends and pets, which are tons of fun to do. I’ve had several people contact me about some sessions but for some reason, they all fell through…. I tried to do some mini sessions for Easter/Spring but not one single person contacted me about it. Oh well…. I’ve made my decision to NOT give up on my dream of being a photographer, it’s what I want to do so I’m going to keep doing it. I enjoy taking photos… I don’t know what it is about it, but it’s always relaxing and calming for me. Honestly though, I enjoy the editing part more than I do taking the pictures…. Something about the creation I make is always fun to me.

The Fear in my Life

My life has always been controlled by a little thing called “fear.” I hate saying that word…. the other 4 lettered ‘F’ word I hate, actually. Those of you that are sort of like me know how sucky it is. I want to do things, go places, see new things, but can’t…. Why??? Because of FEAR! And maybe because of working all the time….. And lack of money….. How do people, who are my age, are able to go and do things that are so expensive and are thousands of miles away? What the heck do they do for a living??? My dream is to one day go to Sicily, but I can’t afford it! And I can’t take the time off of work to go and do something like that. And also, I have a fear of flying…. I have flown before and didn’t do so hot….. What happens, you may ask? Well, I feel lightheaded and nauseous, which leads to a panic attack. So then I freak out over having a panic attack on the plane because I can’t get out of it…. So it’s just all one big crappy mess for me! But If I ever get to go to Sicily, I’ll be more than excited to hop on that plane and go there, and when we land, I’ll be in complete heaven.

The Positive

Here is something positive for you guys to read now…. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time because I’m long overdue for a vacation.

I’m going on a cruise on May 6th to Mexico (Costa Maya and Cozumel!) I’m so beyond the word of excited…. but also a little nervous. Once again, let me repeat the reason why, the fear of something happening to the boat, the thought of me getting sea sick… etc. See how that all escalated? That’s how people with anxiety think, those of us who fear everything will always think the worst. But, I’m determined to not let fear take over me like how it did on my last cruise. I will have a great time and I finally get to see new things and meet new people and most importantly, I get to go on a long vacation! Another positive thing I’m looking forward to is the Blink -182 concert coming up next Tuesday night. I’ll be seeing them from the 3rd row…. yes, that’s right…. the 3rd row! So pumped! 🙂

I’ve learned a couple of things in the past couple of months while I was waiting to hear from someone about the mini photo sessions….. I’ve learned to always smile. Don’t let the smile fade off your face, no matter what happens. You may be sad and depressed on the inside, but with a good smile, you’ll still have a glow of excitement. The second thing I’ve learned is to never let fear take the wheel behind your life. I’m stepping out now and plan on spreading my wings from now on to change how things are going in my life. I want to be happy, and I don’t want to feel like I’ve failed at painting my life picture bright. Be who you want to be and don’t let anyone or anything make you feel like you’ve failed. You’re a bright star in the sky and a beautiful person inside and out. 🙂

 

 

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